Friday, January 28, 2005

A couple who are friends of mine are grieving the loss of their first baby today. Born last night prematurely, the baby did not survive the night. There are a lot of things that go on in my heart when things like that happen around me. I see the pictures of myself and wonder at divine planning, wonder at the fact that I am what I am, and yet I survived and others did not. I won't pretend I understand, or even that I fully trust what I know intellectually to be true--that God's plan overrides the mess we sometimes see down here. We often say the words, as believers in God, but don't examine the unresolved things that lurk beneath the hardened crust of faith.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Her voice came over a couple dozen miles of phoneline, drowsy, speech slurred slightly.
"What's the best day you've ever had?" As she drifted off to sleep again, my mind raced over the course of my life. It seemed that the answer should have come more easily; I've had many joys in life since my childhood. Cookies and Sesame Street, walks to "the store" with my big sister, Street Fighter marathons with my older brother, mischevious exploits with my best friends in middle and high school, hanging out with the guys on my floor in college, and of course, my relationship with the sleeping beauty on the other end of the phone line.
As the thoughts kept coming I noticed a theme; every day I could remember, triumphant, depressing, whatever, every day had its darks and lights. That is, every day was a little gray. And actually, I wasn't that surprised. I mean, no one really expects to have a "movie day" where one day defines who you are for the rest of your life. Although that works well for movies, it would actually be kind of depressing in real life; watching your life's momentum slow, its definition clear, your parameters set. Maybe it's just me--I'm a lion, whatever I may appear to be on the outside. We don't deal well with cages.
After much thought, the idea of "the best day of my life" slipped through my fingers like so much water, elusive. Back to the present. Her soft rhythmic breathing over the phone line brings me the image of her curled up under her comforter, the soft light of her desk lamp illuminating tomorrow's to-do list and a neatly organized room. Today's list, completely checked off, is in the trash.

Under moonlight's watch
Sweet forgetting of today--
New day's sun still sleeps

Perhaps I cannot define the best day of my life. But this is best moment of my day.