Yesterday evening I found out that someone close to me passed away. It was dark news and immobilized me for a few minutes. She actually passed away several months ago, yet I had not heard about it until it was mentioned in a general newsletter from my parents.

The Word of the Day for Apr 23 is:
ineluctable \ih-nih-LUK-tuh-bul\ adjective
: not to be avoided, changed, or resisted : inevitable

So I spent the evening and this morning with intermittent thoughts of the loneliness of a soul. She was only 17.
We are so helpless in this world and at times death draws us away from our games and distractions to remind us of that. It felt pitiful to recognize my own efforts to forget my mortality, and yet what more can one do?

"Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them; while the sun, or the light, or the moon, or the stars be not darkened, nor the clouds return after the rain: In the day when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they are few, and those that look out of the windows be darkened, and the doors shall be shut in the streets, when the sound of the grinding is low, and he shall rise up at the voice of the bird, and all the daughters of music shall be brought low...because man goeth to his long home, and the mourners go about the streets...then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it..." (Eccl. 12:1-5,7)

Where now, the horse and the rider?

Rest well in His arms, Christine, my little sister.

The Word of the Day for Apr 15 is:

defenestration \dee-feh-nuh-STRAY-shun\ noun
: a throwing of a person or thing out of a window

As I look at the pile of files on my desk and the phone rings and a head peeps into my cubicle, my savagery roils but the dark exterior remains ever placid.

So I had lunch with a friend today. It was a far cry from the morning -- my confusion at first light and the surreal sound of Fluor Fountain bubbling up suds and froth while I walked by with my indecisive breakfast of Cinnamon Roll flavored oatmeal (it tastes better than it sounds) and Fritos corn chips.
But lunch -- midday. The conversation ranged over the experience of being a second generation Asian American and into the sociopolitical implications of the current "war effort". We even delved into third world country wealth distribution and why it won't work in reality, then we paused when we finally got back to the office. It was suddenly strange for me to stand there, the monochromatic scheme of filing cabinets and office partitions surrounding me in a sort of greygreen oblivion. The files on my desk called and phones rang. The conversation, of course, had to end -- we're in for the revolution of the mind, but not the type to skip out on work hours. But maybe I would...skip out on work hours, that is...maybe I would, if I knew how to change the world.