Christmas 2004 is now Christmas past. Of course the last Christmas song of the day I heard was "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". There's something comforting about having a day of the year when most radio stations are playing the same songs, just different styles. KOST (a listen at work station) was playing soft-rock-by-the-fire-with-hot-chocolate versions. The classical station KUSC was playing more sophisticated voices singing the same songs. Ironically, (for an African in California) many times I heard references to snow and sleigh bells; the allusions to something many of us in this state are not really familiar with reminded me of "The Most Photographed Barn in the US" from White Noise; something in which we all participate, working feverishly to maintain a reality most of us have never directly seen or touched. I have sung Christmas songs involving snow and a particular white bearded, broad bellied old man my entire life. That this has only been even falsely manifested maybe 2 years of my life that I can remember...Well, I think I'll leave that thought alone for tonight.
The snow, reindeer, jolly old fat man and sleigh bells may be a far cry from my real experience, but maybe that's what everyone needs in times like these. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Wow, the last time I posted I was so enchanted with the ideal. Today I couldn't feel more disparate. I had a very unpleasant conversation tonight; one of those detours from all you've believed important to a different world you suspected was there all along, but never expected to meet head on. I hate those.
I found myself contemplating what matters in life--stability? Family? A "good" job? My friend suggested that maybe I took too seriously what should be more a "side" thing, something you do as a hobby.
And I think that's why I'm up writing at 3:00 in the morning.
Ironically, this all falls on Christmas weekend, the one weekend we're all supposed to be caught up in the ideal...
God help me.